The Art of Friendship

To everything on earth, there is always a beginning. There is always that time a need will arise for one to breakout of one’s shell and mingle or reach out. The aphorism “No man is an island” is thus applicable in this context as I have come to believe that living life also entails relationship building and sustaining.

As individuals, we have our different purposes and missions on earth. But these purposes and missions cannot be achieved by one’s singular efforts. We need people, friends, families, well wishers and even foes, to help us attain our goals in the journey of life. To this end, the word “friendship” comes to mind.

John Foppe thinks of friendship as analogous to living organism such as plants. They grow at their own pace and have a life of their own. According to him, no one person can make a friendship work. It takes two to be mutually responsible and willing participants.

Many, I believe, are yet to understand that friendship does not grow overnight. It requires time to take root, overcome adversities and grow stronger by the day. To some, it is a ‘take and take avenue’ and such a mentality easily breaks the bond of friendship. Even at that, it doesn’t end in a breaking process as much as it dies of neglect, inapt care, destructive behavior, inability to accept one another for who they really are and the unwillingness to compromise at some point for the greater good of all.

I must tell you that having someone to call and keep as a friend is a tough risk to take in this world of ours. I have heard someone tell me that people are not to be trusted but when we look on the brighter side, it is really worth taking. You may be discouraged, heartbroken, taken for granted or less valued along the way but you can’t afford not to trust people and make friends for it sums up both the growing and leaning processes of life.

Friendship entails being vulnerable in expressing one’s opinions, feelings, ideas and emotions. It entails sharing your experiences and dreams in a way of saying to the other person that he/she is deserving of your trust. It entails going the extra mile in caring for others with generosity and positive attitude. Though you may be tagged ‘stupid’ in doing all of these, what they fail to see is the fact that you are simply living life as it ought to be lived as distinct from just existing in the span of time.

John Maxwell once opined that for you to change your life, you must change your thoughts from negative to positive, change your environment and most importantly, change the people you associate with. To corroborate this, John Foppe said: “you can’t help being influenced by your friends and the people you associate yourself with”. Thus, it is imperative you choose to spend your time with those who will build you up personally, affirm the values you hold and help you approach life with courage and a balanced perspective.

Over time, I have learned that in friendship, you may not be valued enough. Sometimes, your expectations will be defeated but even when the person you call a friend treats you like an acquaintance or stranger, if not for anything, don’t give up on the person having the belief that you still can influence the person with your consistent care, persistent affection and your ability to compromise some of your values for the person to see reason with you and for our world to be a better place.

However, sometimes, it really doesn’t work like that. Sometimes, the harder you try to win a person’s heart, the more infuriating and despicable he/she tends to become. In such an instance, you have to bear in mind that you can’t change the person or force him/her to like you. But having given your best with no avail, all you need do to be on the safer side is to stealthily skedaddle with neither a string nor an emotion attached.

You may not always get the best out of every friendship but don’t stop putting your best in it. Every relationship or friendship you find yourself in is deserving of your time and efforts. Even when you always expect something in return from others, you must have given enough to be worthy of receiving. And by so doing, you are not only giving meaning to your life but also to the life of the other person involved.

Many a time, we put ourselves first in a friendship and in my humble opinion that is wrong. This, I believe, is the root cause of all the discord, misunderstanding and infidelity that has led to the breakup of many friendships. However, it is human for us to put ourselves first, born of the mentality and creed of seeing one’s self as a perpetual receiver rather than a cheerful giver. As difficult as it may seem, what makes us special, great and valuable to others is our ability to put them first to an extent, respect their values and make their visions a part of our missions.

In other words, the journey to being successful, relevant and great starts with placing the values, needs and concerns of others before ours. If it weren’t possible a thing to do, no one on earth would have thought it out in the first place.

One belief I have is that life entails:

L=       Learning

I=        Insights about living with and for others

F=        For the sake of

E=       Elation, and to secure Eternity

In this regard, I have come to realize that what keeps friendships alive are, but not limited to:

F=        Forgiveness and Fun

R=       Respect and Reliability

I=        Indulgence (Making one another think, speak and act freely)

E=       Encouragement

N=       Needed (Making one another feel needed)

D=       Decency

S=        Sacrifice

H=       Honesty and Humility

I=        Ignoring one another’s mistakes and weaknesses

P=        Patience

In addition to all of these are communication, trust, understanding, humour, tolerance, endurance, maturity in thoughts and actions, considerations for one another, value and above all, unconditional love.

No one is ever a complete friend. No one can be perfect but one thing we can still learn to be is being a friend. Friendship involves seeing beyond material things and what you stand to gain. As such, don’t expect much from a friend and at the same time, don’t expect less. The ability to interact and keep people around you doesn’t make you a good friend. What does is giving of yourself in ways others cannot and would not.

To surprise you, I really don’t have “a best friend”. I have “the best of friends” one can ever have. However, this doesn’t make me a perfect person. In fact, I am as fallible and oversensitive as you are and as I can be in some cases. I am good at apologizing, I complain a bit, I offend a bit and sometimes, I don’t keep in touch as much as I should and these make some of my friends sad and a bit bitter about my actions.

One thing I always tell my friends over and over again is:

I seek your happiness and I value you. When I do anything wrong, do tell me and I am humble enough to apologize. Try to understand me as much as I do for you and in any way I might have done you harm or wronged you, please do forgive me and let’s move on.

Besides, it takes a lot of forgiving to be a friend. Friendship is the art of overlooking the failings of others. Also, I have heard that promises may get friends; however, it is performances that keep them and it has to reflect in the willingness to forgive. In this vein, I advise you “don’t necessarily have to tell your friends how much you care often. Let your actions do that if you truly mean it”.

In the words of Bill Newman, “a friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts you for the person you have become and still gently invites you to grow”. If those you call friends see no reason for you to grow, if they are not interested in your happiness and pay little or no attention to your success and development, you have simply placed your life and trust in the hands of the wrong people.

Thus, if you go out in search of friends, you will find them nowhere. But if you go out to be a friend, you will find them everywhere. The only way to have friends is to be one. Ultimately, in my opinion, friendship is about acceptance, compromise, understanding, trust and love.

In the journey of life, alone, you may go fast. With a true friend walking with you side by side, you may not go fast but you definitely will go far ahead. Thus, it is not how fast but how far you can go. 

You will agree that it has never been easy being a friend to someone. Having to tolerate, endure, and bear so much hurts and insults over and over again is something very few people can withstand. However, what really makes you a good friend is the aptitude to believe in the possibility of change, bear all of the insults and hurts of one another and still feel you haven’t had enough.

We never get to know how it feels and what it means to be joyful if we haven’t gone through the road of pain and frustration. Every friendship is a potential path to ruin and an equal opportunity to greatness. Who you become is not only a product of what and how you think, your attitude but also a product of who you associate with and those you call friends.

The best lifeline you have in all of these is that your life is your call and your choice of friends is your responsibility. You have the power to choose who you wish to hang out with or associate with but the question now is if you must choose your friends, who will they be and why?

I hope you get to understand that the art of friendship is about ‘give and give’ and not necessarily ‘give and take’. When you can soar above your selfishness into selflessness and compassion, I bet you have what it takes to embark on the journey of friendship. I am a friend because I have the best of friends one can ever have and I won’t stop there. If you must say something likewise, start with asking yourself these simple questions of how good a friend have you been and how better a person can you become to change the impression of the person next to you about what friendship is?


===Written by: Jacobs Adewale ===